On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 An Athens hotel:
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Engrish ~ Chinglish

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in  Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Lisbon hotel:
If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please ring for the chambermaid.

Rome hotel:
Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

French hotel:
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.

French restaurant menu:
Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.

Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.

Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Soviet Newspaper: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Czech Tourist Agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Two signs from a Moroccan shop entrance: 'English well speaking" and "Here speeching American".

Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves.

Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always a clerk.

He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

French hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.

French restaurant menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.

Peoples will left the rooms at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day.

And the winners are:

 Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
 Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.
 Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
 Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
 Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
 Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
 Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
 Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The 2006 winners were:
 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 Glibido: All talk and no action.
 Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

"We must be very careful not to take actions that could harm consumers."...President George W. Bush wrote in a letter to Republican senators. 

Nigerian Scammers' Humor