Have you ever wondered:

*  What way should I go?
*  What does god mean?
*  Where is the promised land?

Of course you have. But what are the answers? 

Here at Translated-Correctly.Com™, these questions burned in our hearts and minds too.  With the help of a 'couple of our friends' (they can come visit you too), we have found the answers...

As we were just sitting around reading our BOM (Book of Mormon).  In Alma, chapter 37, verses 38-39, we found the answer.  We needed a ball, a director, a compass... a Liahona!

As it happens -- believe it or not -- there exists an actual LIAHONA store in Utah... Plenty of FREE parking !

Gawk at Mormon underwear -- It will protect you form danger and evil! Don't forget to Purchase a set of extra nipple protectors.

From: "Missionary Depot" <themissionarydepot@gmail.com> Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2007 Subject: Spam: Request To whom it may concern, This liahona Missionary depot. [sic] You have used our company information and an unauthorized picture of our building on your website http://nowscape.com/mormon/liahona.htm You have claimed that we sell a liahona for $99.95 and several other false claims. Please remove our information from your website immediat[e]ley. Otherwise legal action will be taken! Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter. [not signed] Look at the Mormon secret handshakes (really) Look at the Mormon's secret temple ceremonies ! Mormonism for Dummies

Mormon Missionary

But how do you obtain a liahona?  We asked our friends where we might get a liahona but they did not have the answer.  We again were forced to turn to the BOM.   We were guided to 2 Nephi, chapter 5.  Here we found that it is OK to pilfer a liahona, surely if god's prophet, Nephi, could grab and run, so could we.

The only liahona we knew about was in Salt Lake City, Utah, sitting on a purple pillow in the mormon prophet's personal office.

But how to get in.  We needed someone who would understand the importance of our mission and knew the ways of the great and spacious.... building known as The Church Office Building (COB).

One day while we were standing looking up at the COB and beginning to doubt our ability to ever get by all the dark suited FBI wannabes that patrol the grounds, we were pushed into a newspaper stand.  The newspaper that caught our eyes was a free weekly paper declaring to be independent.  This intrigued us.  Being in the land of Zion, there was an obvious contradiction in being independent.  We looked around and everyone seemed to be happy in being the same -- no independent thought here. Upon scanning the articles in the paper, we found an article about a reporter who periodically runs into the three Nephites.

These guys are from the BOM and god gave them immortality.  If anyone would know how important it is to share the powers of the liahona, they would.  So we took an ad out in the paper asking them to call us.

We then waited anxiously by the phone.  A few days later, we got our call.   We were told to meet our immortal Nephite at the local bar at ten that night.

When we arrived, we couldn't help but wonder why he choose this place.  We sat down in the back and waited.  Shortly, a waiter came up and asked us what we wanted to drink.  We asked for a couple of beers and mentioned *We were just waiting for someone.*, the waiter replied *You aren't from around here are you?*  We replied *No, but how could you tell?*  The waiter told us that our proper pronunciation of the word 'for' gave us away.  He said *I'll go tell him you're here.*

As we were discussing what had just happened, a short, stocky man pulled up a chair and sat down with us.  We soon found out our Nephite had a part-time job woprking at a LIAHONA store!   We eagerly explained our situation and how we had hopes of sharing the guidance of the liahona with the rest of the world.  He sat back and asked us if we really believed anyone cared about that old ball thingy.  After an explanation of how many people are out there looking for someone or something to tell them what to do, he finally agreed he would take the job.  But he added, *I get a third of the cut.*

We asked him what he meant.  He said, if there are people out there willing to let someone or something else do there thinking for them, then those are the same people who would be willing to pay for it too.  But then we saw an ad for commercially available liahona's!  Our spirit's rose with joy!

NOW, we at Translated-Correctly.Com™ are proud to make the exclusive offering, for a limited time, of your very own LIAHONA!   Guaranteed to guide you in the right direction and help you understand the word of Heavenly Father*. 

We have contracted out with the engineering firm Urim and Thumim of Murray, Utah, USA, to bring to you a genuine fully functional  Liahona as seen in the Book of Mormon.  Guaranteed to be better and more accurate than GPS or than the European'sGallelio satellites !

To order your very own Liahona Kit  (some assembly required) send ONLY $99.99 plus any applicable tax along with a $10.42 shipping and handling charge.